Taking the Angst Out of Introversion

By Megan

My husband and I both pretty much put the “I” in introvert, but I bet 9 out of 10 people who know us wouldn’t believe us if we told them that.

Though we’re both naturally shy, quiet people, we’ve learned that in order to be comfortable and help others be comfortable with us in social situations, we’ve got to be able to push through our introversion and “turn it on,” “it” being an ability to step out of our shells and meet people at least half way in the give and take of conversation and interaction. Al does an absolutely fantastic job of covering his own natural instinct to withdraw socially with a quick, self-deprecating, sometimes borderline slap-stick wit and the ability to draw people out by asking (a million) questions and expressing a deep personal interest those around him. I think it was Dale Carnegie who wrote, and I’m paraphrasing here so bear with me, that often those perceived to be the most brilliant of conversationalists are people who ask all the questions and actually speak very little themselves.

I use similar approaches to overcome my own shyness as well, though as a woman who currently interacts mostly with other women, specifically other mothers, I’ve also learned to bond and build relationships by opening up about my maternal weaknesses and humbly asking for advice. I’ve been amazed at how bringing my own vulnerability to light so often leads to warm, candid confessions from my peers that they feel/have felt the same way, and how strengthening and helpful (and lively!) the ensuing conversations can be for all of us.

Though we’re certainly seeing signs of distinct extroversion in our daughter these days, she also clearly struggles with shyness and fear of new social situations from time to time. I laugh now at how I worried, NO!, nearly panicked! about this emerging aspect of her personality very early in her life. I know the pediatrician probably expected a discussion about, say, reflux or diaper-rash when she asked me at Bean’s four-month check-up, “Anything else you’d like to talk about? Any questions or concerns I haven’t addressed?” Bet she was surprised (and amused) when I tearfully confessed I was deeply troubled by my daughter’s staunch refusal to allow anyone besides her Daddy or me to hold her because I didn’t want her to grow up a shy and scared child as I had. (The pediatrician handled my breakdown beautifully and professionally though, much to her credit.)

Al and I both see a correlation between self-confidence and social ability, and thus have carefully tailored our parenting approaches with Bean toward helping her see herself as a capable, lovable little girl. This doesn’t mean we’ve indulged unacceptable behavior or spoiled her with excessive praise (well, not much anyway, ahem) – just that we seek to encourage her in all that she does well (which is quite a lot, she said proudly) and to discipline or correct undesirable behaviors (and attitudes, as we round out year three! ACK!) quickly but gently and lovingly, avoiding labeling, blaming or demeaning her in the process.

We also make it 100% clear to Bean that when she needs us, we will ALWAYS be there for her. I wrote in my own blog this summer about taking Bean to her first swimming lesson, and how frightened she seemed of the teachers. I battled internally about what to do to help her overcome those fears, considering just forcing her into the water and leaving, or giving up and taking her home, or sitting quietly with her and letting her watch and wait out her fears. After 25 or 30 minutes of confused deliberation, I chose option #3, and then watched and praised and cheered for the next 7 days as Bean strode confidently into the water, greeted those same teachers enthusiastically and grew ever more comfortable in the water and in the situation. If that sounds a little self-congratulatory on my part, allow me to assure you that I carried a boatload of angst with me to every lesson, wondering until the very last day if my approach would ultimately lead to over-dependence on me (wait, she’s THREE, what was I thinking?) or the desired TRUST and confidence in me, in herself and in our relationship.

Confidence, though, isn’t ALL it takes to help a shy child engage comfortably. Practice and reinforcement work here just like they do with many less abstract skills. While we know Bean’s a bit young at this point to grasp the concept of empathy, we explain that NOT returning a greeting can hurt others’ feelings, and we’ve made a point to EXPECT her to speak back when she’s spoken to, so that at this point it’s really a matter of obedience to her parents more so than consideration for others’ feelings, at its root, and to enforce consequences when she doesn’t. We started this practice pretty early – probably around the age of 2. At that point, we simply disciplined with a time-out for a refusal to say, “Hi” or at least wave to anyone who said “Hi” to her.

At almost 4, Bean really doesn’t require prompting to greet those who greet her or answer their polite questions, and now she’ll even frequently initiate conversation on her own. She even asks QUESTIONS, Mr. Carnegie! In fact, much to my surprise, there are times I’d say she’s become quite the social butterfly! (Don’t worry, we’ve also discussed never talking to strangers if her parents aren’t with her. Right now it’s not a huge concern because we are almost always with her, unless she’s with another trusted adult.)

I want to be 100% certain to say that I absolutely do not view introversion as a negative personality trait or even one that a person needs to overcome to lead a happy, productive life. Personally, I need plenty of alone-time to recharge my batteries and although in this season of my life that poses a challenge or two, I know it’s just how I’m wired, and many other people are, as well, maybe even one or both of my children.

Introversion is just another trait God uses in the mix when He creates us to be unique people to carry out our distinct roles in life.

I just think that the sometimes-accompanying shyness can be burdensome and unnecessarily isolating (it certainly has been for me at times) and that as parents we’ll do our shy kids a favor by helping them overcome it in a healthy way and at an early age.

Megan is the owner and author of FriedOkra where she blogs (much less seriously than this post might indicate, ahem) about parenting, food, the South and many other of the good things in life.