A Dose of Humor – Tweenland

5 Minutes for Parenting’s weekly column, A Dose of Humor, is here to remind you to take your humor pill regularly as the best medicine to treat the side effects of parenting! It features a different blogger every week and is hosted by Rachel at Grasping for Objectivity in My Subjective Life.

This week’s contributor, Steph, has three kids, two dogs, and one husband (thankfully!). She travels through life chasing kids, avoiding all housework, eating her husband’s cooking, consuming lots of chocolate, and  trying to grow in her relationship with God (not necessarily in that order). She documents her journey from her house on a dirt road in rural Georgia at The Red Clay Diaries.

Welcome to Tweenland’s Two-for-One Tour!

My older kids turned 9 and 11 last month, so I suddenly find myself the mother of Tweens. And I’m finding it a bit, shall we say, challenging? I’ll tell you, it’s not all High School Musical and helping with harder homework.

Noooooo, Tweenland is an adventure unlike anything I’d ever experienced. In fact, it’s such an adventure that I’m surprised no one has made it into a theme park.

Think of the marketing possibilities! We parents are always trying to nail down what the next phase will be like. This amusement park could be a kind of 3D “What to Expect” book.

[swirling colors, fade to black. Open on my vision.]

[A man dressed as a ringmaster greets visitors.]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to our VIP guests on this fun-filled premiere tour of our brand new amusement park:

Tweenland, The Crankiest Place on Earth!

As we prepare for the grand opening, we want to share with you, our specially invited guests, our featured rides: those that define the Tweenland Experience. Please join me on the trolley and we’ll make our way to the main attraction.

We expect this to be the most-ridden ride here at Tweenland, and you have a VIP pass!

Welcome to Emotions: The Ride!

This monster roller coaster is like nothing you’ve ever seen before. So full of twists and turns and ups and downs that it’ll make you dizzy. We guarantee that it’ll make you want to scream, or your money back!

Fasten your seatbelt and hold on tight as you rocket from 0 to 60mph in .3 seconds. You’ll blast up Hyperactive Hill and then plummet down to The Pit of Everybody Hates Me over and over again!

You’ll twist around and around on Circular Argument Bend until you can’t see straight!

And watch out for the icy waterfall in I Wish You Weren’t My Mom Tunnel! It can sure put a damper on your day!

With the highest highs and the lowest lows, Emotions: The Ride will leave you feeling breathless (and possibly wishing you were childless)!!!

***

Wasn’t that a blast?! I bet you’ve never experienced anything like it! And you won’t until Teenutopia, our sister park, opens in a few seasons. I should also point out that Emotions: The Ride replaces the old Mood Swings, which, while plenty exciting, were simply not scary enough.

After a visit to our complimentary wine bar (a feature at every Tweenland except Tweenland Over the Bible Belt), we hope you’ll join us for the rest of the tour.

Up next: The His Fault Her Fault Bumper Boats!

This post was originally published on November 10, 2008 at The Red Clay Diaries.

If you would like to be considered to be featured in “A Dose of Humor”, please email Rachel at [email protected].