By Stephanie
I’m what most would call an “attached” parent in the sense that I pretty much never put my baby down. She sleeps with me and she nurses whenever she wants (even if it means I have to pull the car over). I hold her a lot and wear her in a sling throughout the day or when we’re out instead of keeping her in a car seat. I do most, if not all of that, because that is what makes her- and me- happy. It works. It’s our groove. The dance we do.
I understand other Moms might not understand. And probably think I need professional help.
I do put her down if I need to.
But if I don’t want to, and she doesn’t mind the snuggles and smooches, then I see no harm in indulging. I do not think a baby that is held too much will not learn to walk. Heck, Gray was worn constantly in the sling and was my earliest crawler and then was walking at 11 months.
I do not think holding a baby too much will spoil them. Someone reminded me long ago that items that are left on a shelf and forgotten spoil.
So quiet down, you. You who think you know better than me, the mother of this precious child.
I’m going to go on rocking my baby, ’cause babies don’t keep.
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
– Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Stephanie Precourt is the managing editor of 5 Minutes For Parenting and also blogs at Adventures In Babywearing.
Photo by Beth
Amen.
I think babywearing is such a blessing. I didn’t know anything about slings 7 years ago when my oldest daughter was born. I have so enjoyed every minute of wearing my little Livie. She just turned a year old and when I get the sling or Mei Tei out she giggles and makes a bee line right for me. It’s an incredibly intimate time. And the song is so right….babies don’t keep.
Amen, sistah!
Exactly!
When my son was a baby, my mom would say “You’re going to spoil him picking him up every time he cries.” I finally told her I couldn’t spoil him, and if I did, so what! I wanted him to know that no matter what, when he needed me, I’d be there. And it’s the same for my daughter. They’re now 3 and 15 months, and they didn’t like the sling, even though we tried.
Hold her while you can. I often remember the days with a smile.
That was so exactly what I have been trying to say for years that I felt a nod on my own blog was necessary. You were fully credited and I used your title cause I couldn’t come up with my own.
http://snurl.com/4fss1
Can I ask a question? I mean this in a respectful, totally non-judgmental way, and I’m asking because I really do want to know. When you say you nurse her whenever she wants, even if you have to pull the car over–how can you tell nursing is what she wants if she cries in the car? How can you tell it’s not because she’s tired, or needs to be changed, or just annoyed with being strapped into the car seat? Can you just tell because you’re pretty in tune with whether she’s probably getting hungry or not? I’m a mom of three myself, so I know that mothers generally have a pretty good idea of what their baby needs. But I’ve also found, with my kiddos anyway, that nursing is not always the thing that they’re looking for.
Another question, this one practical. I’ve tried wearing my babies in a sling but found that it made it really hard to do things like cooking. With the baby right in front of me, I wasn’t comfortable stirring things on a hot stove or opening the oven door to put something inside. Chopping things, or doing anything on the counter, really, was hard too because I had to stand really far back from the counter to keep from banging the baby’s head into the edge of the countertop. How do you manage those kind of things while wearing your baby?
I realize this might be more than you can really answer in a comment–maybe I ought to just go read your blog!
Great post. I have always loved that poem, and I only knew part of it. Thanks for sharing!
I didn’t wear my daughter; we had a baby Bjorn and it made my back hurt. By the time I realized there were lots of choices out there, she was really too big for a sling. I think what you’re doing is wonderful. As for nursing whenever she wants that the other commenter inquired about, I always offered the breast first as well. She let me know when she didn’t want it. And, my daughter is now a delightful little four year old (most of the time), and she still knows that mommy and daddy will be there whenever she needs us.
Oh, what a sweet poem. 🙂 Glad you’re enjoying & cherishing your daughter. 🙂
All three of my kids were nursed-on-demand, sling-worn, attachment parented babies – and all three are independent, confident, non-spoiled little goobers right now. (and as for nursing on demand, I don’t think it’s hard to tell a needs-to-nurse cry from other cries, really….)
Jen-
It’s a perfectly good question! I personally feel by being around and so attentive to my baby’s every cry, I can interpret what she needs, so usually I will know if it’s a tired cry and she’ll go right to sleep in the car, or if she needs to eat. Often nursing her even for a moment will satisfy (kinda like a pacifier but me instead!) And many times she just needs to let out a good burp! Then we can be back on our way and everyone is happy!
As for babywearing in the kitchen- we must always practice safety first. I do find that a tummy to tummy hold high up with baby’s head on your shoulder is a little easier, and then when they are old enough, a back carry is great. But you still have to use extra caution when close to a hot stove or anything dangerous even then. And sometimes there are times they will have to be put down for their own safety! : )
Steph
I love that!
My baby – now a toddler at 22 months – was pretty much constantly held. She did not like swings, nor slings (at least none that I tried, but from reading your other blog, I’ll try more if we are blessed with another). She wanted to be held. She wanted to be nursed. I held her and I nursed her as much as humanly could. We also co-slept. When I was at work she was held by her grandparents, even during her naps.
She took her first steps at 9 1/2 months. She is a wonderful, but challenging toddler. She never doubts she is loved and she does her own experiments with the world and them comes back to her secure base – her mommy, her daddy and her wonderful grandparents.
For a working mom, most attachment parenting techniques worked for us and helped keep my close bond to my baby, even when I was away from home. Some AP purists believe working outside the home is against all AP stands for, but I think the two ways of life can be mingled. I still nurse my 22 month old a bit and I end up sleeping about half the night with her too. That is okay with me. I’m her mom and she’s my baby and we’ll do what works for us. She’ll only be this little once.
Good for you, and thanks for sharing, so others of us know we aren’t the only ones.
My babies are held almost constantly, too, but I’ve found it has delayed sitting up. My last two babies did not sit up until nine and ten months. No problems with walking, though.
I don’t have philosophical reasons for holding them so much, though. I do it because I’d rather have a tired back than ears worn out from all the crying, and because, with four kids, it seems one way to compensate for her lack of one-on-one attention.
Awe, I LOVE your post here-it’s so very sweet! I love holding and carrying JR everywhere-though it is funny how many people tell me I’m spoiling him by carrying him too much. Thanks for the boost in confidence-I’ve always been of the opinion that holding, responding to and loving cant spoil a child but it is nice to get a little support when it seems the rest of the world is telling you to “put the baby down and step away slowly” hahaha! Thanks!
I love your outlook on parenting, and you articulate it better than me. I think I’ve always parented this way, but never had the words to describe it until my third came along. It seems to me that so many moms, at least many that I know, see children as an inconvenience or something that they just have to tolerate, so they keep their distance. I know few moms that really want to be with their kids. You and I, and so many of these precious ladies commenting today, are definitely an exception. I love Krista’s comment that “I’m the mom and she’s my baby and we’ll do what works for us.” I love and share that attitude!
I hear ya! Babies NEED to be held and loved and to feel secure and safe. Simply because they are now on the outside of our wombs doesn’t mean they aren’t still in need of that constant contact with their Mothers that they had in the womb for 9 months.
I LOVE the poem! I wish I had known about it when my Anna was a baby. People often told me I was spoiling her and she needed to be on her own. I always thought she needed to know she was loved and wanted. That is what we as adults want so you know the need is stronger in infants. She is a wonderful 3 year old perhaps a little to attached to Mommy at times still but I am cherishing every moment. We have a bond stronger than I ever imagined and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
As for nursing on demand I did that as well. There were numorous times on trips I would just lean over her seat and nurse as we went down the road. Or we would stop if that was not an option. All to comfort her not necessarily cause she was hungry. We do what we must to make sure they are happy. We all know if the baby is happy then we are happy!
I don’t remember ever seeing the full version of that poem, love it! I am right there on the same page with you when it comes to parenting style. Look how wonderfully your children are turning out – you are doing something very right! 😉
Steph
Wonderful post! My girl is over 2 years old and as she starts to assert her independence I can see how the AP lifestyle has really benefited her self confidence.
Most of the people I am in contact with think I am more than a little crazy that I hold and nurse and rock my babies as much as I do.
But I love it and my kids love it, and I’ve never had much problem with seperation anxiety because they were so firmly attached.
This is so beautiful, Steph.
I am so NOT an attachment parent. I had my babies on a schedule, and now at four and ten, they still are very much self-scheduled as far as sleep etc.
That is worked for me and my husband — no babies in the bed, teaching them to put themselves to sleep, but your way works for you and many others. In fact, you make it sound so beautiful that I almost — almost — wish that I was having another baby.
I wish everyone could just butt out of everyone’s parenting preferences and do what they know is right for their own selves.
Yes to everything you said! We hear it from people occasionally because we still rock our 19 month old at bedtime, but I can hardly understand how it’s hurting him. I doubt he’ll still need to be rocked when he’s a teenager, and you know, he’s not going to fit into my arms much longer, so I’m going to enjoy every moment!
You tell ’em! And keep snuggling that precious girl!
[…] just read this wonderful poem in a post at 5 Minutes for Parenting. I have spent a lot more time holding my babies than cleaning my house over the past 5+ years, and […]
I just love that poem. Every time I read it, I get a lump in my throat. Good for you for taking the time to enjoy your little girl!
Loved the Babies Don’t keep page – thanks for adding the old nursery rhyme as well. I am a Mom of 5 (4 boys & a girl). They are now 26 to 11… if young Mom’s only knew – babies truly don’t keep, they would rock, hold, read and sing to, and love on a whole lot more than most do.
Forgot to add that I now live in Thailand. All babies here are in a sling and with their Mommies all day. Most other cultures do the same… it is Western mindset that thinks one should put the baby down and leave it on its own. Oh, and they all breastfeed as well. 🙂
For Jen@The Short Years ~
Your comment and questions were really important. These are my thoughts on your first one…
I have 5 children and breastfed them all. Didn’t always think that just because they were fussy that they needed to eat/nurse. Babies strongest reflex that they are born with is sucking.
Sometimes it is not food they want, but just to suck… it is soothing to them. I was a big fan of having a “paci” – not for everyone, I know. But it is O.K. to check and see if there is another need (too hot, too cold, sleepy, teething, wet/dirty diaper, etc.) before just giving them more breastmilk. Sometimes it is that they are truly hungry. 🙂
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