By Beck
On the weekend, I was complaining in the evening – after the kids were tucked away, sleeping in their small beds – complaining about their rotten behaviour, about how one of them had hurt my feelings at a family gathering. I felt raw and hurt and distant from my kid, muttering dark forecasts for the upcoming teen years and my husband said something that I think might have changed my life forEVER.
You don’t get to let hurt feelings make your parenting decisions, he reminded me, and your children aren’t here to take care of your feelings, to make up for what you lack. You aren’t just a good parent when you feel like it, when the whim hits you – you are a good parent all the time, even when your kid is being a big embarrassing jerk. You are not allowed to let your child’s behaviour affect your relationship with them, your love for them, ever.
ARGH. Are you saying I have to keep TRYING? Wasn’t childbirth BAD ENOUGH? APPARENTLY NOT.
And once I’d stopped sulking, I realized that of course he was right. As much as I’d wanted to have my hand held and my hurt feelings comforted, what I actually needed was a reminder that my kids aren’t here to make me feel good about myself, no matter how tempting that illusion might be for the first few months of parenthood, when babies are small and cute and have to wear whatever goofy outfits we put them in.
Get older, though, let a few years of school settle in, let the child become obviously their own human being, and suddenly you see lots of parents’ check out, parents who are there only physically. The family temperature suddenly chills over – kids eat microwaved food by themselves in front of the tv, kids leave for school with no good-byes in the morning, kids bike miles away in the distance with no one to care. And even while I think that kind of parenting is just disgusting, I was subtly starting to walk down that road myself, vacating myself from real parenting the second that the kids weren’t so great for my ego.
You don’t let your hurt feelings make your parenting decisions for you.
Children have only their parents to love them unconditionally, to hold their well-being above their own, and it is hard, grown-up work to love them fiercely while knowing that they are growing up all the time, that this path will lead to that beloved child outgrowing their childhood bed, their childhood home, their parent’s sheltering wings. Just as I was writing this, in the darkness of the sleeping house, my oldest child came downstairs and flitted by me, kissing my forehead as she passed, oh hold me close and oh let me go so painfully intertwined and although I thought that being in grueling labour for 20 hours was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, it turned out just to be a warning, a signal flare.
Beck blogs at Frog And Toad Are Still Friends.
Beck, this is beautiful. And so true.
And as they become more and more their own person, it seems to get harder and harder, doesn’t it?
I spent part of the day yesterday complaining about having a kid home from school IN FRONT OF and partly TO that kid. Got convicted when I realized I was actually trying to make her feel guilty for being sick. Ugh. How ugly of me.
Had to put her on my lap and apologize for my selfishness.
I’m with you.
I already feel the strain of the teenage relationship with my 5 YR OLD. But this sort of reminds me, that if I can get myself together over these next years, while she’s basically controllable, it will really help our teenage relationship. She’s a negotiator, and it’s our job to harness it for good and not evil.
Thank you for this — point taken.
your hubby hit the nail on the head, and you, your words brought it home.
Oh, my – so true, so true. I adore this message. Thank you for reminding me.
I totally couldn’t tell you were bawling while writing this. But it is EXCELLENT, either way.
LOVE this. Love. I shall take this message to heart as a reminder not to be so damn selfish. (I’m pretty damn selfish. Need to grow up and quickly.)
Your husband is very wise.
Your hubby is one wise dude! An excellent beautifully written reminder for me as I’m in the midst of hormonal, teenage stuff with one of mine.
Wow- thank you for this post! I’m not to this stage of parenting yet, as my little one is still in the ‘wear whatever goofy outfit I pick’ stage :), but for me the mantra would go more like this: You don’t let your tiredness/busyness/laziness (feelings, basically) make your parenting decisions for you. 🙂
My dear, your best.
And information that I need desperatly to hold onto.
Remember our last walk when my mantra was “Kids suck!” Remember that? That was me hurt. I let myself have a tantrum. I have to admit, you looked shocked but it felt good anyway. I had that tantrum away from my kids and then went back at them with a shovel and a level, putting in more work, getting more dirt in my eye. But it’s good, nonetheless, and necessary and the best reward life has offered me. Kids is good, even when they do suck.
Dang, girl. You should have called me yesterday. I have a whole post in my head from last night that sounds similar (yet not as beautifully written.)
Everything I would say here sounds like: Parenting is SO hard or some such drivel. But you nailed it.
And knowing you wrote this while bawling makes me marvel at your talent.
Thank you for this post.
You and your husband are pretty darn smart. Thanks for this post…it’s a great reminder for me.
Damn he is wise.
lately there have been these moments of dislike I have had for my elder when I want to let my feelings crowd in and develop a huge dysfunction.
But I always haul my socks up muttering things under my breath about being better than that.
again. He is wise.
Beck,
This hit the nail on the head for me. I have a 15 year old son and really needed to hear this. Thanks.
While it is true that you can’t let your hurt feelings make your parenting decisions for you, it is also true that you should not deprive yourself of any chances to combine good parenting decisions (which we shall define, say, as decisions that teach your child something) with delicious revenge.
Like, say, taking your daughter’s bedroom door and putting it in the attic after she has slammed it one too many times….
Or, say, letting your 10-year-old do the dinner dishes and sweep up the kitchen and take out the trash when he complains that doing just the dishes is too much work…
Yes, parenting well can be fun…
oh great post. it made me tear up too.
That Mr. Beck is very, very wise.
Excellent. I can see why you were crying.
Thank you so much for this post!
It makes me remember once when I was little, and my mom had done my some sort of favor, and I asked her why she was so willing to help me. And she told me, “because as your Mom I always have to put your needs in front of mine.” Motherhood truly is the most selfless thing you can do, but it can be hard to remember that sometimes. Your post deals with a raw honesty that was refreshing to see. Thanks.
A truer thing was never said, Beck. Labor is the EASY part!
oh, yes. it would be so much easier if we could just keep dressing them in goofy outfits.
what? that wasn’t the point?
beautiful post.
oh for crying out loud Beck now you have me crying. geez your husband’s words ring so true.
last night my children behaved wretchedly at a restaurant and i was embarrassed and mad and hurt and holding a grudge. you know, the kid where you just say to yourself “screw it.”
i so needed to read this today.
thanks.
Thnaks for the reminder. So beuatifully said. I’ll try to remember that :).
Thanks for the reminder. So beautifully said. I’ll try to remember that :).
This really was an amazing post!
Very well said…
“You don’t let your hurt feelings make your parenting decisions for you.”
You married well. Really, really well.
What a great reminder.
Thank you so much, Beck. I really struggle with this issue of not taking everything personally and parenting by emotion. Hearing the reminder from your husband via you is very comforting/inspiring.
Beautiful! So well said. I love this.
I was talking to a friend before I had children and she spoke something that stuck with me.
Kids are not born to cater to their parents. They don’t know how. Not for a long time. It starts with the parents catering to them.”
Love it.
I think we all probably need to be reminded of this at times. I know I do. This is what “unconditional love” means, I think. It’s hard work; we keep trying to put conditions on it.
Oh my gosh, how do you do it.
This is the essence of parenting: “oh hold me close and oh let me go so painfully intertwined…”
Exquisite pain.
Beautifully written.
What an excellent post. Very good advice indeed.
A lovely post. Lesson well taken. Great writing.
Thanks.
Lovely Beck. So true.
Reminds me of that book… Let me Hold You a Little Longer… I almost cry every time I read it to my kids… they just look at me funny and pull out the next book. Thank you for the reminder to stay tuned or I might miss something.
i wish my mom had had your husband, Beck.
not literally, but you know what i mean. she loved me, definitely, and worked hard to do it on her own, but the idea that my choices are mine and that i still need her love regardless (particularly when it comes to petty, minor choices) is something that she and i are still struggling through, 36 years in. and something i do not want my children to have to suffer.
this was a beautiful and poignant piece.
As a single mom of a 16, 14 and 10 year old, I understood your post only too well. You and your husband’s words gave a much-needed reminder to me! Thank you!
Oh, Beck. Thanks for this post. I really needed it today.
Beautiful post, Beck. An excellent reminder, and a perfect expression of the bittersweetness parenting so often is.
Oh Beck. This was just so perfectly written, so perfectly said, and just what I needed to hear. I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. Thank you so much.
I am going to bookmark this post and make every parent I know read it. Your hubby sounds very wise, and you are very wise to not only listen, but allowing it to sink in and then share your wisdom with others.
Again. Thank you.
[…] the post so that readers of Kirtsy or whatever will know what the post is, and that’s it. I Kirtsied my very first post today, and it felt really good to share the love. And it was oh-so-easy. The more people that […]
Hard, grown-up work indeed. Very well put, Beck. Looks like you’ve hit a nerve.
Wow. You put that perfectly…again. What a powerful piece. Every parent should hear this. again and again. Thanks.
Gorgeous and heart-wrenching, Beck.
Thanks for sharing the wisdom. I am impressed that you husband can be that direct with you and that you can listen so well. You are right, the more difficult “birth” is yet to come when your baby leaves the safety of home.
Very well written, and too painfully true. Your kids are lucky to have such a perceptive Mom & Dad!
Your husband is so wise; thanks for sharing this.