By Beck
(Thanks to a technical glitch at my house – Now Home To Technical Glitches All The Time! – the melancholy post I wrote for today has been lost and in its place is this melancholy post from February of 2007. Let’s hope this one posts, or I’ll be forced to start using The Girl’s stories again.)
If you were a child (well, a girl child) in the 1970s, you will remember Wonder Woman bathing suits. All of the cool little girls had one. I did not, and how I yearned for one, yearned with a force that would later be replaced by yearning for certain men, and now with yearnings for booze, chocolate and privacy. I was certain that the bathing suit was the key to elusive popularity, that it would change me.
I never got it. It would not have helped: I was unfixably nerdish. I know now that I am essentially unchangeable, that ME – this loquacious, moody, self-centered, mawkish, thoughtless person – is who I am, for good or bad. And I am very happy, mostly, but I will never alter.
I saw a baby t-shirt the other day which read “Here to change the world” which is sweet, but I don’t know – a bit too hopeful? I can’t even get myself to stop biting my fingernails, and it seems a bit presumptuous of me to then expect some newborn to be able to bring peace to the Middle East. Do I necessarily want my child to be a world changer? Too many world changers’s bright ideas have only led to millions of people dead in mass graves and yes, I am looking at you, Karl Marx.
An acquaintance of mine bumped into me the other day, her 10 year old son in tow. He seemed downcast, sadder than before, and she confided in me, spitting out the words, that he’d been diagnosed with a serious learning disability. He is the same boy he always was – kind-hearted, gentle, fond of little kids and legos – but you could tell from the look on her face that she was through with him, that she regretted this child, her only child, regretted the work and effort of raising someone who will not change the world. I wanted to take him home with me, because frankly we’re too overwhelmed with keeping everyone fed and clothed and reasonably clean to truly fret over whether they’re going to be physicists or plumbers. The love which should have been his without condition turned out to be very conditional indeed, dependent on him fulfilling her middle class aspirations and you could see that he knew this, that he would have put off his skin like it was only a costume, allow himself to be changed utterly if his mother would only turn her gaze back lovingly to him again.
Find Beck blogging at Frog And Toad Are Still Friends.
This touched a deep chord in me, somehow. Hubby and I were just talking yesterday about learning to be “ordinary.” Everywhere we look– even in church– the call is to DO something BIG!! We must save the whales, save humanity, save the latest storm victims, save the ecosystem, preach the gospel, heal the sick. And if we are too busy doing our job, raising our families, getting our kids married, cooking healthy (or just cooking, period), mowing the yard, blah, blah, blah, then somehow we have failed. At the very least, we must keep all the crises of the world in the forefront of our thinking, and WORRY.
And that 10-year-old boy? I’ll take him. Through tears, I’ll take him.
Oh, how very sad. I can’t imagine letting my selfish aspirations for my child interfere with my unconditional love for them…but of course, my baby’s only 9 months, so there’s lots about parenting that I have left to experience and understand.
Wow. I got choked up when I read that. I thought it was just asian parents that put the weight of the world on their kids to become doctors and lawyers, but I suppose it does transcend culture. It’s a rampant epidemic to have those “middle-class inspirations” which can weigh far heavier on parents’ minds than the pure joy of raising and loving a wonderful child.
Growing up in a home where my academic successes determined the amount of attention, praise, and adoration I received from family-members, I am too conscientious of that effect on my childhood and adolescence. I hope those experiences have indeed changed me for the better. More than anything, I want my son to grow up feeling loved and cared for by his adoring parents. I want him to wisely choose a career path that will make him happy, and that he will desire to serve the Lord in all that he does.
That is so sad. I would be so happy to be able to look into the future and know that my children will lead happy, uncomplicated, ordinary lives. But we can’t know, can we?
How heartbreaking… I would take in that little guy in a heartbeat. Sure, some people need to be the movers and shakers, but most kids will grow up to be just regular people. My cousin, who most would have thought to be a lost cause – bad behaviour, poor grades, wrong crowd – is now a successful musician and artist and probably the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. His parents never gave up on him, but rather helped him find his way on a path that was different from their other children and different from their own expectations.
Lovely post, as always.
That is sad.
You’re right. I don’t really even want my kids to be huge world-changers. I mean, if they are, I guess that’s okay, but happy? fulfilled? loved? loving?
Those sound good to me.
*sob* man. that’s EXACTLY what I needed to hear today… getting ready to teach a parenting class in a few days, at a loss for what to say still, but this just got be all riled up.
also, I never did get that suit either, but I did get the underoos for Christmas… which I proudly wore under my clothes, sad that it was socially unacceptable to show my friends at school.
How sad for that poor boy. I had the Wonder Woman suit, however it was 1983 and most definitely a faded hand-me-down. Story of my life, secondhand and drab, but I wouldn’t change it. I love these posts of yours.
Oh, I want to bring that boy home to my house. So sad…
I think it’s our job as parents to love our children unconditionally. Our arms and our home are the only place they’ll be able to experience this love. It’s an example of how our Heavenly Father loves us, and one I hope to set for my family.
Heartbreaking. It’s one of my biggest, paranoid, useless motherhood fears: that my children will get to adulthood and tell me that they didn’t feel my unconditional love. I trust that they won’t, that they will have internalized the words that I utter often, telling them that, while I might not agree with certain behaviours, I always love them fiercely.
Oh I want to adopt that boy! He can be friends with Abel, who’s my least academic but sweetest, kindest, nicest child. And ultimately, it is more important what kind of people we are than what we do. I strongly believe this.
Ah shit. I sure hope she has turned her gaze back. Has she? Huh? It’s been a while, maybe she’s ok now. Sometimes it just takes time to realign how we imagine and perceive the world.
I’m crying again now. I’m so glad my mom never made me feel that way because I have a “learning disability”.
*sniff*
Don’t remember the WonderWoman suits but I had a happening “sailor” on complete with little white skirt and red buttons that I was very proud of.
Sometimes getting a child “labeled” with something is a shock to the parents and it does take time bring that into perspective for themselves, especially if their own self esteem is all wrapped up in the accomplishments of their child. I’m not saying that it’s right but just something that is in some parents lives. Hopefully that little’s boys mom was able to bring herself up short and realize what she was doing.
Wow, that’s terrible. I hope that I never do that to my children. I like to think I wouldn’t, but you never really know do you? I mean, I wouldn’t do it on PURPOSE.
Didn’t Einstein have a learning disability? Who says you can’t have a disability and STILL do great things?
My husband and I often say we just want our son to have a normal, healthy upbringing. if he had a disability I would not be upset but instead find every expert I knew to help him. I would love him not matter what and I do that now. He is a joy in our lives and has been from the day we found out we were pregnant. At 2 1/2 years old we always take the time to enjoy him and the little things. To many parents get in a hurry about things including having more kids to enjoy the one or ones you have now.
A child who doesn’t feel unconditional love is one of the saddest sights on this planet. And unfortunately, they exist everywhere.
I’m so sad for that little boy. I wonder what that mean mom would think of my kids…
I think we can often set too high of expectations on our children. It’s so careful to be watchful of that and for our love to be given freely, not conditionally. My heart goes out to that boy, as I can sympathize with having parents who expect/need something from me that I will never be able to give them. That’s the problem with expectations though truely, they are never really met. Life is not a tv show.
Lovely, poignant post, Beck. I don’t want my children to change the world – I don’t even know if I want my daughters to go to college because I’m scared that it will war with their instincts to stay home and love their children.
Christians aspire to be “Davids” or “Moses” and the truth is there were 9 generations of Israelites who died in slavery in Egypt before Moses came along. How many women and men get disillusioned with the humdrum of daily faithfulness in raising and supporting a family because they were raised to imagine that they should do “big things” when the biggest thing of all is to be faithful in the little things when no one is looking.
I really, really love this post. In the way that you love an online article that is very much unlike how you love a person, you know?
That boy, well I have 13 of him in my classroom. And some of them I want to bring home too, I know just what you mean.
I had the Wonder Woman underwear/tank top combo that looked like her costume. I was six. And my mother had to inform me that I could not be outside riding my bike on the sidewalk in that outfit. I didn’t know. I was totally Wonder Woman.It was 1983 and I was set to change the world. I wanted to be a cheerleader when I grew up.
Both of my children have learning disabilities. It hurt when I first learned it – but we decided to take this on as a family and win over the systems labels. It wasn’t easy but now my children have multiple secondary degrees and are going for more! We succeeded because we chose to believe in the potential of love and faith rather than the results of tests.
Never give up on a child. Never let anyone label your child. And don’t be quick to judge anyone’s capabilities.
A boy I loved, promised to send me wonder woman underoos for Christmas, when I moved in third grade. He never did, and I was very sad about it… I would have settled for the bathing suit.
I too hope that the young boys mother was able to turn around her feelings after having time to remember that he was still the same son he’d always been. Sadly as we know, so many parents can’t, and that’s why therapists can charge so much per hour!
I lie in bed frequently wondering what it is I’m doing or saying that will leave my kids feeling inadequate. I hope I’m balancing it out well with the positive.
I hope my girls know how I much I just want them to be happy in what ever they choose to do. I have one girl that is probably going to better than the other in school, and while encouraging one to excel, I try and encourage the other to do her best, letting them both know I love them no matter.
I loved this the first time I read it …. I remember being a little shaken and then ashamed, knowing that I wanted my daughter to change the world, be someone. Then reading your words I realized she already is someone and has changed the world by being mine. That is all I will ever want.
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