Love

By Sarah Fader

Okay relax. This is not going to be a sappy post about how we should all hold hands and love each other. Are you relieved? Fabulous.

I had a nightmare. It ended with me waking up and thinking:
“I love Ari MORE than I love Wil.”
My heart was racing, my whole body was sweating, and I felt awful.

I couldn’t understand this feeling. It traumatized me. I love Wil. He’s my partner in crime, my “one day husband.” I love him to death. Did I mention “love?”

But the love I feel for Ari is different. I created him. He lived inside my body for nearly a year. It is a deep love that is unexplainable. Intangible. A terrifying love. A love where I couldn’t handle it if anything happened to him.

A love that scares me to my core. I explained this disturbing feeling to my friend, Nora. She said:

“Welcome to Motherhood.”

I’m scared. Shaken. I feel the need to protect Ari from the world with my love. But I want him to experience it too. It’s a conflict.

Do you feel this way about your children?

Sarah Fader records anecdotes from her daily life at at Old School New School Mom. She also currently runs blog workshops for elementary school children in New York City and provides freelance transcription services for major television networks, in between running after a two year old.