Why is She the Favorite?

By Michael

We have a simple rule in our family: No jealousy.

Period. End of Discussion. No, not the end of the discussion, because there isn’t even going to be a discussion. No jealousy.

We won’t treat you identically, but we’ll treat you equally. It will be the same, only different, because you are different and we will adjust to your individual, specific, genetic, cultural, idiosyncratic specialness. You will be our favorite you, and, you over there, you’ll be our favorite you.

Seemed pretty clear to me.

And yet, dear readers, it will come as a shock to learn the green-eyed monster lurks within the BFFs who heard the rule a million times, but suffer from some form of amnesia, or auditory learning disorder.

Sometimes, it makes me feel guilty in a where-did-I-go-wrong kind of way. After all, how could (Daughter X) think we favored (Daughter Y) when (Daughter X) was so busy getting (Everything) that we had to buy a bigger house? And how can (Daughter Y) think she got the short end of the stick when we deprived (Daughter X) of (Nintendo)?

Where did I go wrong?

Much like Kelly’s item last week about having an ultrasound, lest her final child feel shortchanged and unloved in competition with his pinged siblings. Yeah, I mocked her in the comment post, but I’ve been there. Hell, I am there.

It turns out the girls are flawed. They have fears and insecurities just like real people. After all my hard work to free them from the shackles of need, they are destined to be human beings. Sometimes, then and now, I focus too much on the doting, on the worrying and, yes, the perfecting.

I should probably stop worrying about it so much.

Michael Rosenbaum is 5 Minutes for Parenting’s first dadblogger. He is a business consultant, playwright and author of Your Name Here: Guide to Life.

Michael blogs on life issues at Your Name Here Guide to Life and manages the Adult Conversation discussion group on Linked-In.

5 Responses to Why is She the Favorite?
  1. Kelly
    March 9, 2010 | 12:34 pm

    I grew up with four siblings. I can honestly say I never struggled with the question of which sibling my parents loved the most because it was completely absurd. Obviously, we were treated as individuals. Sometimes, I didn’t like that. But it was equally obvious that my parents loved us all deeply.

    So in that sense, my post last week was tongue-in-cheek. As a parent, my goal is to be as fair as possible. But I truly don’t stress about it, because it seems so petty. I love each of my kids in their own way. Making them secure in that love is my goal, not creating a perfect little world where everything is equal. (“Mom, she got more marshmallows in her hot chocolate than me!” “Oh, she did? Why then here are two more for you, my little pumpkin.” Gag.)

    I wonder if having only two girls makes the competition more intense. What do you think, Michael?

  2. samara
    March 9, 2010 | 3:19 pm

    Umm can I just say I love this??? I love this specifically: We won’t treat you identically, but we’ll treat you equally. It will be the same, only different, because you are different and we will adjust to your individual, specific, genetic, cultural, idiosyncratic specialness. You will be our favorite you, and, you over there, you’ll be our favorite you.
    As a stepmom, I struggle with the whole fairness thing and how it all works but this totally makes sense to me. Thank you!

  3. Michael
    March 9, 2010 | 10:28 pm

    I have no idea if it’s worse with daughters, or just different. Each of us deals with such a small sample on a day-to-day basis that too much generalization can be dangerous.

    My takeaway this week is that I sometimes think I can control more than is realistic. In that whole nature/nurture thing, nurture only goes so far. And, of course, you have to remember all the damage done by the crazy stuff Jill was teaching them when I wasn’t home.

    (Hey, JIll, JK. LOL. ROTFLMAO. Okay?)

  4. feefifoto
    March 10, 2010 | 4:00 pm

    When one of my kids accuses me of favoring the other I answer: “You’re probably right.” Makes my mother insane, but it does take the wind out of their sails.

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