Embracing the Unknown, But Knowing the One Who Knows

By Megan

“God, I just do not know. You know. If You want another child for us, You can make one happen.”

As I dragged my tired, sausage-like body up the stairs a minute ago, I called down to my husband, “Honey, I’m going to write now. If you hear sobbing, just ignore it, I’ll be fine in an hour or two.”

And I meant it. I’ve been trying to avoid deep thoughts on the subject of parenting lately, as allowing myself to travel any mental distance beyond the rote daily thoughts and activities involved in caring for my family and running the household nearly always finds me, in the end, in a puddle of tears. I’ve been filled with guilt and self-doubt, worry and sentimentality, no doubt thanks in great part to hormones, the rest I attribute to this precipice Bean, Al and I stand on – the Three Musketeers – as we await the arrival of the fourth little guy, whom we don’t even know but will be awash in love for within moments of his birth and will remain that way until the end of each of our days.

Having become a Mama for the first time at age 37, I carefully savored each moment of my pregnancy with Bean, feeling certain this was the first and last time I’d experience it. Though Al never ruled out the possibility of more children, something inside me decided one would be blessing enough, and after a textbook labor and delivery and then laying my eyes on the most beautiful baby God ever made, I simply couldn’t imagine topping the experience. Worse yet, I feared the dropping of the proverbial other shoe, should we ever enter into the pregnancy/birth/baby arena again. So each first with Bean was a last, too, in my mind and heart, and I’ve learned to walk through my life as her mother with all senses fully alert to every beginning and ending, holding quiet, reflective emotional vigil as she physically left my own body, as we ended our nursing relationship, as she’s gradually stepped out in independence from me, even as I changed her last diaper. I’ve carefully captured each moment as the final droplet of another fleeting facet of motherhood.

As she’s grown, though, Al and I have discussed the possibility of a second child – him ready and at times even anxious, me hesitant and very unsure. For a year, between Bean’s second and third birthdays, I battled internally – could I do it? Was I enough mother? Enough wife? What would it mean to my relationship with Bean? What would it mean to be nearly 40 and starting again from the beginning with a newborn when I’d as much as declared myself all done and made peace with that? The answers didn’t come. They wouldn’t. I remained at a crossroads through four seasons, my prayer in the end simply, “God, I just do not know. You know. If You want another child for us, You can make one happen.”

Thirteen days after Bean turned three, He did.

This child I’m carrying brings with him so many questions. So much change. In all of the uncertainty and doubt, I lean on the prayer I uttered time and time again when my own human mind couldn’t reach a resolution, and I know that God chose this child for us. For me, for Al, and even for Bean.

He’s meant to be ours and for now, that’s enough answer for me.

Megan also blogs at Fried Okra.

18 Responses to Embracing the Unknown, But Knowing the One Who Knows
  1. feefifoto
    July 28, 2008 | 9:10 am

    I don’t think there’s ever a mother who hasn’t felt the way you do. Before my son was born I thought all about him; before his sister was born two years later I thought about how her presence would affect him.

    Best of luck and congratulations on having another child to love.

  2. Steph
    July 28, 2008 | 9:57 am

    I can relate to how you feel, as I ponder the ifs/whens/timing of a sibling for Sweetpea. You are a WONDERFUL mother, and Peanut is a very lucky little guy to be born into your loving family! I can’t wait to hear about him, and wish you much rest and peace in the days leading up to his arrival.

    Take care,

  3. PastormacsAnn
    July 28, 2008 | 9:57 am

    What a wonderful post! Nothing better than parenthood to drive you to the feet of The Father!

  4. Karen {simply a musing blog}
    July 28, 2008 | 9:59 am

    Oh gosh, Megan…I think so many of us struggle with this issue. At least I know I did. Thankfully, the fear and anxiety usually subside (mostly) once the baby is born as life and autopilot take over. 🙂 You’re going to be a great mama to Peanut – just like you are to Bean. 🙂

  5. Lora Lynn
    July 28, 2008 | 10:08 am

    Lovely, friend. So excited to hear all about “meeting” this guy.

  6. Robin ~ PENSIEVE
    July 28, 2008 | 10:44 am

    When God speaks to you through His word…and then you see manifested in NEW LIFE…it changes you forever!

    Lovely post, Megan…can’t wait to meet your little wonder THIS side of the womb!


  7. Beck
    July 28, 2008 | 11:35 am

    I’ve never been happier with anything than with my decision to have more than one child – having siblings has been a huge blessing to my firstborn, and I still love and cherish every bit of her. It’ll be great – you’ll see.

  8. Tiffanie
    July 28, 2008 | 11:35 am

    I am grateful that we can leave it up to God. I know that EVERYONE thinks I “should” be done after this (baby number four), but I REALLY don’t know. Part me isn’t done, part of me doesn’t think I can handle any more… and how long do I want to be changing diaper anyway? I’m glad it’s God’s plan, and I love that His plan continually brings blessing and surprise.

  9. Jemma
    July 28, 2008 | 11:37 am

    It’s been very interesting for me to read your journey of thoughts through this pregnancy as I really have come from a totally opposite direction to you. From the moment Jaya was born there was no question in our minds that there would be another. As she grew I made sure that everything we bought for her was gender neutral so it could be used for her future little brother (yes even before he was concieved we felt sure he would be a boy too!) and we wasted very little time on getting pregnant again. Now though I feel we didn’t put enough thought into how a second baby was going to affect our lives and the three of us. I think your reticence and thoughtfulness about his will actually be to the benefit of all of you when little Peanut finally arrives (today?!).

    You have such a beautiful talent for writing Megan. I feel honoured to have “met” you before you became the blogging powerhouse you are now. I dream that one day we can all met up IRL; Boo, Bean, Povey and Peanut will all play together and you can bet we two Mama’s will blog it all after 😉

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words with us all.

  10. Dawn
    July 28, 2008 | 11:41 am

    Beautifully said. We had twins 19 months ago and have decided to have one more. A year ago I would have thought that insane. But now… we are leaning a lot on prayer and Spirit to guide us. I am so grateful for the faith that I have today that I didn’t have a year ago.

  11. Lisa
    July 28, 2008 | 12:14 pm

    That was so beautifully written. And you are more than ready for the Peanut!

  12. hyperactive lu
    July 28, 2008 | 4:40 pm

    Awesome post! Gave me goose bumps! I know your feels exactly!

  13. casual friday everyday
    July 28, 2008 | 8:21 pm

    What a blessing being pregnant really is!


  14. The Mommy
    July 28, 2008 | 9:03 pm

    This post is beautiful. Here I am 34, thinking of having a fifth child, knowing that my body will protest to it’s greatest degree. My past pregnancies were all horrible, causing everything from the worst all-day-for-months morning sickness to feinting spells, migraines and falls. Sometimes it’s a miracle that I have any children at all, and others I can’t wait to push my luck for more.

  15. Alane
    July 29, 2008 | 3:15 am

    Megan, I just love you heart. Beautiful post my dear, you are a blessing to me.

  16. Summer
    July 30, 2008 | 11:43 am

    From the moment I began reading your blog, I KNEW your were a great mother. Meg, it’s evident to anyone who knows you. And I can even remember commenting a few times that , “oh, you need another little one.” You have so much love to give, it should be shared amongst many children. I was thrilled to hear you annouce that you were pregnant. And, if I’ve gathered all of this about you over one little blog, I know the people who actually know you in person would whole heartedly second everything I’ve said. You’re amazing!

  17. Megan
    July 31, 2008 | 11:38 pm

    Well, friend Megan, you know my thoughts from this time last year – all the same stuff you are working through right now. Well, not identically the same, but you know. Anyway, I think it’s a necessary part of this transition – a shedding of one skin to prepare for the next. Be in the moment, participate in the process. Things will all look so different in no time at all.

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