The Wonders of the Aging Body, According to a Four Year Old

By Megan

I’ve been working on coming to friendly terms with my post-second-baby, forty-one year old body lately, with its new SillyPutty-like stretches and sags, its dedication to growing hair where I don’t want it and shedding hair where I do, and its obsession with simultaneously producing pimples and wrinkles so fast I can almost hear my complexion deteriorating from one minute to the next.

As you can imagine, having a young, vibrant, LOUD cheerleader looking on and narrating this whole process at ear-splitting volumes has made learning to accept and embrace the warp-speed aging version of myself all the more enjoyable for me, and oft times for others, like the extremely well-toned women in the adjoining showers at the health club, the teenage girls giggling in the fitting room beside me at the Gap, and the younger parents with their families eating dinner around us at Chili’s. Since I’ve already been humiliated all over town I guess pride’s no longer an issue, so what could it hurt to share some of Bean’s colorful commentary out here on the www?

“Whoa! Is that all YOUR hair in the drain, Mama?”

“Hee hee hee, Mama! Peabody’s bouncin’ on your wiggly-jiggly belly and he’s havin’ so much FUN!”

“Look Mama, your Girls are really floppity when you do that!”

“No, Mama, don’t get your hair cut! Except those crazy white ones. Get them to just cut those off.”

“You’re lookin’ a little sleepy, Mama. Let’s go put some more make-up on you.”

“Pull your bathing suit skirt down, Mom! We don’t want everyone to see that big white bummy of yours!”

“Mama, your belly button is even deeper than my finger! WATCH DIS!”

“Well, Mama, I hate to tell you dis but I’ve scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, an’ I can’t get all this crusty stuff to come off the bottoms of your feet.”

“What happened to your chin, Mama? How’d you get all those skeetos to bite you on it?”

“Cool, Mama! The skin around your eyes makes a rainbow when you look at me like that!”

Pretty creative, isn’t she?

Can’t wait ’til she gets a load of my age spots and cankles.

9 Responses to The Wonders of the Aging Body, According to a Four Year Old
  1. melissa
    June 8, 2009 | 6:39 am

    creative indeed…and no pride gets simply in the way if we hang on to it. I was terrified of what ill happen to my body after birth so far more or less back bto normal. But i wonder when i get to have another child what will happen…i shudder to think

  2. Jenny 867-5309
    June 8, 2009 | 9:47 am

    Oh yeah, my body didn’t do too bad after the first kiddo. After Gremlin? Went to pot. Right then and there. He’s almost 6 and I’m STILL trying get the jiggly-wiggly to stop reverbing from my swaying big ol’ boonda!

  3. Kelly
    June 8, 2009 | 11:19 am

    The belly button comment has been heard at my house, too.

    And to think, I used to look cute in a bikini.

    These days, I’m just happy to have a two piece that covers up all the extra, floppy tummy skin.

  4. Jenn
    June 8, 2009 | 12:34 pm

    I’m sorry but I am laughing so hard right now. Kids are so innocently critical! My favorite is the ‘floppity Girls’ haha. I guess I have been fortunate in that my kids never seem to notice appearance – of anyone really. Recently Riley said something about “that big girl next door” and I was mortified (she’s a little overweight) and told him not to say that. He said, “Why not? She’s a grown up isn’t she?” So yeah, I shudder to think of what I would hear if my kids DID think of things like that!!

  5. MamaHen
    June 8, 2009 | 6:20 pm

    Hilarious! You mean other people notice these things? 🙂

  6. Alison
    June 8, 2009 | 8:06 pm

    Oh man. I’ve heard some of these things from Miss Pink, too.

  7. candace
    June 9, 2009 | 11:23 pm

    My son, God I love him but he always wants me to draw certain family members-mainly his uncles. Well i drew one said uncle he loves. He just gave me a weird look and told, “That is not Uncle Nat!” Thanks son. He is sweet by telling me often he thinks I am pretty and he loves me.

  8. Kellyn
    June 12, 2009 | 3:51 pm

    Oh man…I am laughing but not at you (sort of). I am just glad that I am not the ONLY ONE who hears these things at home.

  9. nococomial
    April 1, 2012 | 7:26 am

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