Co-parenting with your opposite

Opposites attract, and that is probably why my very masculine husband is a great fit for girly, nurturing me. We have a son who knows exactly who to turn to when he wants specific things, because we are so different in our parenting styles. For example, bath time is quite an adventure. Little man knows I’m more of a push over, so he’ll ham it up and pretend to cry to get out of a bath, and I have to snuggle him and coddle him and bribe him with toys to get him into the bath tub. My husband picks him up and basically tosses him in, washes him, dries him, and is done- all without giving little man’s protestations a second thought.

Bedtime is another story. I couldn’t get our son to sleep without nursing him, and when I finally weaned him I could only get him to sleep by driving him around in my car until he dozed off. My husband holds him and walks around, ignores his crying, and within 5-10 minutes our son is fast asleep. I could never get away with this. I’m the one my son reaches for when he wants to get away from people who won’t put him down, because he knows I’m an easy mark and won’t be able to resist his pouting when he asks to be free to run around. As a result, my husband now bathes our son and puts him to sleep each night, while I take care of feeding him and reading to him. We split our parenting duties based on our strengths.

I often hear it’s good for children to have parents with different styles, especially if one is more nurturing (because babies need their boo boos kissed) and one is better about discipline (because who wants to raise out-of-control, spoiled brats?). My husband and I are a team and are a united front, but our adventures in parenting, combined with our totally different approaches to handling things, certainly has our smart little guy already plotting how to get his way. I admire my husband’s methods (and could learn a lot from him) and have a feeling we had a lot of excitement to look forward to over the years with our son.

How do you handle parenting with your spouse? Are you the same? Do you struggle with the differences?

20 Responses to Co-parenting with your opposite
  1. Debbye
    October 31, 2011 | 11:57 pm

    Ironically, my husband struggle more with our likenesses then our differences. We are too much alike, and a thing that we thought would make us well suited to get along forever actually has become a large struggle. We never though it would be an issue, but we are TOO much alike!

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  17. Herman Simmons
    May 23, 2013 | 4:12 am

    One of the many things that my husband of 6 years and I have not seen eye to eye on is when it comes to our now 4 year old daughter. When she was a baby, he didn’t want to pick her up when she cried, thought that it would make her only cry more. I am more into attachment style parenting, picked her up so she would be comforted. He was not concerned about baby-proofing (just lazy I think), said that she should just not touch certain things, thought we would have to just make sure she didn’t fall down the stairs instead of installing a good baby gate, and didn’t want to secure anything to the wall, didn’t want to damage furniture like bookcases. I had to go out and buy everything, and install it myself with his drill when he wasn’t there. He is also very impatient with her. When we were driving back from seeing our in-laws at Thanksgiving who live 2 1/2 hours away, he got upset because our daughter said that she had to go potty. He was angry because this happened a few minutes after we had stopped to get gas and at that point she said that she did not have to potty. I told him that he should be glad that she can tell us, better that he pull over instead of her going in her carseat. Recently he has been very angry when she will not stay in her bed, yells at her. I have to get up very early for work, so I usually get her ready for bed and then he helps if she gets up because he doesn’t have to work until noon. I have to get up and tell him to knock off the yelling, it definately does not help her to relax or feel comfortable going to sleep. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m even staying with him. I think because it would be hard on our daughter for me to leave because of financial reasons. But then again if I don’t leave, I don’t want her to be emotionally hurt because of how he treats her. Anyone ever been in this situation?

  18. Bryant Z. Carr
    June 5, 2013 | 1:46 am

    People’s listening opens up when they’re acknowledged. Thanks for cleaning up, cooking, etc. My husband always thanked the girls for having dinner with us. He told them that he loved being with them and appreciated their coming out to dinner with us. That let them know that their presence matters. It gives kids the message that they matter. So you can see how this parenting tip can help.

  19. Lenny Singleton
    July 31, 2013 | 1:57 am

    Sure, after 6 years or so, I’ve restored my sanity (more or less) and my back has recovered after extensive rehabilitation, but I blame this “peaceful” parenting style for stealing years of my life via sleep deprivation and pain as well as imprinting me with an unattainable expectation that a good parent must be an ‘attached’ parent. I also think the AP community deserves a smack on the wrist for unabashedly treating any other style of parenting with scorn.

  20. Haley M. Fulton
    August 7, 2013 | 2:50 am

    Talk to your husband as to why he does this, not to accuse, but to truly understand. Your husband is probably just thinking of the now, and short-term peace, maybe even wants to be the good guy, the friend to your kids, and is not considering what his parenting style will result in when the children are older. It may also be a reaction to how he was raised. Maybe, if he was raised by very strict parents and suffered under their rule, he wants to make sure he doesn’t inflict that to his children – or he’s been raised in just as permissive an environment, and that’s what’s natural to him.

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