By Megan
I’ve been struggling lately with a feeling I’ve been unable define, but this week, after a few heart-to-hearts with my very best friend, I’ve come to the conclusion that this ache in my soul boils down to one of insignificance.
All around me it seems, the world and the people in it work and produce and progress and change and grow and succeed. Meanwhile, I’m at home, where each day matches perfectly the one before it, except for a slight change in the pattern of juice drops on the carpet. I wake, I feed, I clean up and change diapers, I pick-up and put away, I wipe and wipe and wipe and wash and wash and wash. I rock and sing, I kiss and cuddle and fold, fold, fold, fold, fold. I nurse and read and tuck and then collapse to do it all again with only a variation in rhythm, starting as the sun rises on the next day. The world flies past my window on its way to the future and I stand looking out at it with a baby on my hip and a sticky dish rag in my hand. Tomorrow I will do the same.
And this, as Al often reminds me, is exactly what I wanted to do. This, my sister chuckles back at me, is why I felt jealous of her 8 years ago. This is the life of a stay-at-home mother, the one I greatly feared I’d never have. I am blessed beyond measure to be where I am. Yet, It is only a season, other mothers of little children and I chant to one another as we watch a constant stream of fabulousness and motivation and success flow past us – a current of What We Are Not, But Should We Be? tugging at us from beneath its bubbly, sparkling surface.
I don’t wonder why I ever wanted children. I look at my two and I know the why unquestioningly. What they bring to me is immeasurable. It’s the What I Bring to Them that sometimes feels unmeasured. The things I’m NOT doing right now pile up, boil over, bang at the front door and blink at me from my computer screen – impossible to overlook.
The horizons of this life, when I’m able to look up and gaze into their distance, gleam with shining cities of learning and contribution and value and meaning, while here, on my tiny acre of maternal life, the things I DO do each day get wiped away at dusk with the globs of grape jelly on the kitchen table.
I know that I am lucky to be here, but is here feeling the impact of me? I wonder on occasion to myself, where do I look to find the value of this labor? How can/should I measure my progress each day?
I don’t have an answer that will permanently affix itself to my wondering mind. I know, I believe, yes, that in the end my children’s lives will speak value and significance into what I’m doing today. And the smiles, the laughs, the peaceful sighs remind me very simply and very momentarily that I’m theirs and they need me. These peel back for a moment the earthy, gritty everydayness to reveal my lofty role in their lives.
But what do I tell myself, (what do you tell yourself?) here on this tiny acre, when the smiles and future promises don’t erase the yearning for significance now?
Megan also blogs at FriedOkra.
It’s funny because I get a glimmer in my eye when I think about the kids being older and being able to do something “more” and then I have that moment of wanting another baby, that would keep me stuck HERE even longer.
There’s so much pull- both ways. I think about the amazing responsibility I’ve been given to shape these human lives, what I do will affect them so many many years in the future. And just the acts of love, they might not have the best tangible rewards but seriously could never be measured.
Steph
Oh, how I desperately want to tell you something that WILL permanently affix itself to your soul. Your beautiful, loving, motivating, intelligent, witty, compassionate soul. But no words seem to come.
So what I will do, instead, is pray for you to feel significant in God, as a child of God, as one chosen by God. And maybe to see into the future a bit to see that your efforts now will reap rewards for MANY MANY generations.
You are significant to me. :o)
I struggle with this — almost everyday, if I’m honest.
But as I wrote this past year about my own feelings of insignificance, I was reminded afresh that what the world considers significant and what God calls significant are two separate matters entirely.
I need to renew my mind to get the truth to replace the lie. Because YOU are more significant that you ever imagine.
what SAHM do is soo significant…we are giving a pediment to our children so they can give their best in the world later on…. maybe it doesnt show so much but our work is invaluable! remember that ALWAYS
Michelangelo took four years to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. I could have done it in two weeks, although it might not have been quite so fancy.
But Michelangelo wasn’t inspired every day. (I know. He sent me an e-mail about it.) He was striving for significance, but that doesn’t mean he felt special every time the paint smeared or he ran out of brushes and had to make new ones.
Just like you. Like Michelangelo, you’re creating a treasure for posterity. You’re molding a capable adult, a kind person, a well-adjusted individual.
We have too few capable, kind, charitable people in this world. There is nothing more significant than creating a new one.
Ten years after I left my last job, nobody is reading my staff memos any more, the clients have changed and my LAN has been replaced three times.
But my greatest work is out there, capable and kind and charitable. The most significant thing I’ve ever done, or ever will do.
You aren’t simply staying at home. You’re handcrafting the future. If you do it right, that capable adult will pass on the values you instill to another generation.
When you succeed, all of us will be in your debt, even those of us who will never meet you.
Damned significant, I’d say.
I ♥ Michael. He says good stuff, Maynard. :o) As do Stephanie, Kelly, and Other Melissa, of course, but Michael’s words are pahrfull.
I tell myself that significance is a lie, an illusion. That woman who’s a mother of three and a neurologist is no more or less significant than I. Her life and it’s trade-offs have no more or less merit than mine. The world might value or reward some of her choices more than mine, but in the end, she struggles just as much as I. I remind myself that all those people and their accomplishments I am considering significant will one day be alone pondering what they’ve done and wondering if it was “enough.” I remind myself how much satisfaction I find in those small, quiet moments, even if I’m unable to package them in some sexy box. We all have that ache of insignificance, no matter what we do or accomplish. Don’t let it steal the joy in your now.
Wow, yeah, Michael’s words were powerful & really spoke to me – what a great illustration & reminder.
I guess this week, God has been reminding me (with a 2-year-old, and a 7-week-old), that “it’s not about me”. This is my full-time job and my #1 ministry right now, and God has called me to do this for His glory. Some days I feel like closing my eyes & repeating that to myself over & over – “It’s not about me…” 🙂
I saw this quote on a blog recently and loved it. It is something to give us perspective and help us see beyond ourselves.
“Every mother is like Moses. She does not enter the promised land. She prepares a world she will not see.” -Pope Paul VI
Even with this though, I still have moments/days/seasons like you describe. And usually, what works the best for me, is to really withdraw from things that might add to those feelings (like the internet) and just get wrapped up in my children. THEY don’t know that the world is passing me by. THEY don’t care if I have earned an advanced degree or if I am making progress in career goals. THEY think I make the best PB&J in the world, and they are my supervisors, so that is okay with me. 🙂
Well said, Megan. Insignificance. It’s exactly what’s been eating at me for so long. Thanks for putting some words to it. And these comments… WOW! Amazing!
Megan,
If you only realized how talented you are at writing and what a joy you are to everyone that reads your post !! Not only are you more than significant at home , you are so significant in my life, just because of your blog
God Bless you !
[…] Ultimate Perspective @ Fried Okra It’s really a follow up to this post, which is an awesome read too. (Don’t forget to read the comments– wow!) All I can […]
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