A Dose of Humor – At Least a Dozen Reasons Why I’ll Never Get the Newbery Medal

5 Minutes for Parenting’s weekly column, A Dose of Humor, is here to remind you to take your humor pill regularly as the best medicine to treat the side effects of parenting! It features a different blogger every week and is hosted by Rachel at Grasping for Objectivity in My Subjective Life. Now you can also join in by linking in your funniest moment of the week, using the Mr. Linky at the bottom of this post!!

Jo wears many hats, because cold and bad hair days abound, and because she’s a Mom to a four year old and a two year old. She recently left her paying job (the one with the perks of drinking coffee while it’s still hot and going to the bathroom in unattended peace) to focus on her more pressing career aspirations including, but not limited to: Personal (potty) Trainer, Professor of Philosophy (seeking to answer the age-old question of “why”), Executive Chef (they’d fire her if she wasn’t working for free), and Media Consultant (would you like Blues Clues or Sesame Street?). In her abundant free time, she blogs at Mylestones about her family’s memorable moments.

I don’t know why, but often when I mention my enjoyment of writing, people assume I aspire to write children’s books. I’m quite certain, however, that all encouragement toward this youthful genre would be rescinded if they saw this list.
So here goes, a partial listing of my children’s books that remain unpublished–for one very good reason or another:

  1. Curious George Gets a Spanking
  2. The Little Engine that Could if He Just Got off His Rear & Tried For Once
  3. Obnoxious McMansion on the Prairie
  4. How Do Dinosaurs Go Extinct? (The sequel of course, to How Do Dinosaurs Get Well Soon)
  5. The Cat in the Vat
  6. Green Eggs and Spam
  7. Goodnight SOON (The please let it be bedtime soon book for new parents)
  8. Bread and Spam for Frances
  9. Guess How Much I love You. Nope! Guess Again!
  10. A Stew for Mr. McGregor: Peter Rabbit Learns the Hard Way
  11. Dora Gets Lost (Adios Amiga!)
  12. The Big (Gas Guzzlin’, Rootin’ Tootin’ Polutin’) Truck Book

*Dear Spam, if it appears I’m picking on you in this list, I apologize. It’s not me. It’s you. You make green eggs look delicious by comparison. Seriously, how is it you continue to be stocked in stores even to this day? I mean, really, WHO BUYS YOU?

**Dear Reader, that was weird. Did I just apologize to Spam like it was a person and then proceed to pummel it with cruel insults? I did? Sorry about that. This is just further support for why they should keep me from writing anything intended to be read to children.
So what’s your favorite children’s book? Or your least favorite if you’re feeling contrary? And double bonus round points to those of you who can make me laugh with an addition to the list above!

This post was originally published on May 27, 2009 at Mylestones.

If you would like to be considered to be featured in A Dose of Humor, email Rachel at doseofhumor (at) gmail (dot) com.

Join us and link up your funniest moment of the week here!!!

4 Responses to A Dose of Humor – At Least a Dozen Reasons Why I’ll Never Get the Newbery Medal
  1. Carrie
    July 24, 2009 | 7:53 am

    Oh, my goodness, this totally made my morning. Hilarious. 🙂 I love the Curious George Gets a Spanking – yeah, don’t think that would fly these days! 🙂 & Goodnight SOON is very apt! 🙂

  2. Simone
    July 24, 2009 | 3:49 pm

    Very clever piece. I’m not parent but I felt her pain quite clearly. Very funny.

    Cute link badges.

  3. Erin
    July 25, 2009 | 9:34 pm

    What about “I Love You, Stinky Butt” (instead of I Love You, Stinky Face)! My favorite children’s book ever is Goodnight Moon. LOVE that story!

  4. jessw
    July 27, 2009 | 2:42 pm

    How about “thomas gets his butt in bed so Mommy can have a glass of wine.”

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL https://parenting.5minutesformom.com/448/448/trackback/