Tales from the Crib

By Kelly

I was reading the October 2008 issue of Parenting magazine over the weekend, and once again, the last page made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately, I was in bed at the time. And my husband was sleeping next to me. What happened next is up to debate — no one can prove that I elbowed him or said in a loud voice, “You have to hear this!” — but in the end, Corey listened to me read the whole thing, even as I paused between paragraphs to chortle to myself and make banal quips. “This is so funny. And so true. Isn’t it funny? Why aren’t you laughing?”

Written by the always witty Melissa Balmain, it lists five horror movies, done mom style.

Bear Glitch Project

Take, for example, The Bear Glitch Project. “A family of four is terrorized by eerie groans and howls that, in a riveting climax, are traced to a Winnie the Pooh toy with dying batteries. PG-13 (violent act involving Winnie the Pooh).


Or consider Smellraiser. “After his wife leaves for the day, a dad realizes with cold dread that something unholy is escaping from their baby’s diaper. R (brief nudity).

Phantom of the Bedroom

Or my personal favorite, The Phantom of the Bedroom. “Each time they climb into bed at night, a mom and dad are summoned by a disembodied voice demanding water, a blankie and eleventeen more stories. G (no nudity whatsoever, despite repeated attempts).

So, in honor of Halloween and the copious amounts of Milky Way Midnight bars we may or may not have already eaten, as well as the big Bloggy Giveaways Carnival going on now, I’m running a contest today. Come up with your own mom horror movie title and synopsis and leave it in the comments. I’ll pick a random winner over the weekend — which, yes, means you don’t have to be clever to play, but where’s the fun in that? The prize will be a one-year subscription to Parenting. So you, too, can laugh your husband awake.

Here are a few contributions from me, to get your juices flowing.

I Know What You Won’t Be Doing Next Summer

New parents are horrified to learn that their life après baby doesn’t allow for midnight movie showings or spontaneous weekend trips. PG (repeated showings of “Yo Gabba Gabba” may disturb some viewers)

The Pining
A young mom stares wistfully at the wine list, knowing full well she is breastfeeding and can’t indulge — for the next 12 months. G (no drug use at all, unless you count coffee)

Fetal Attraction
A mom who swore she was done having babies suddenly feels her uterus flip at the sight of her sister’s newborn. PG-13 (adult situations after husband finds out his wife might want just one more)

Invasion of the Booby Snatchers
A dad is aghast when he learns that the cute baby in the other room is really here to steal his favorite toys. R (constant nudity)

Your turn. Happy Halloween.

Contest is over. Congratulations to Courtney of Chaos Is Us. She’s the winner of a 12-month subscription to Parenting magazine.

Kelly also blogs at Love Well. And she hardly ever wakes up her husband when he’s sleeping. Really.

20 Responses to Tales from the Crib
  1. Courtney
    October 29, 2008 | 7:19 am

    Land of the Sleepless: Creepy tale about midnight wakings, feedings, and a horrible smell coming from the crib. What happens when Mom is sleep deprived too long! R(Slight nudity, Repeated cursing at 3 am, and feces on the sheets!)

  2. Crafty Mama
    October 29, 2008 | 9:53 am

    Ethan Scissorshands- A mom is brought to her knees sobbing when she discovers her toddler has shredded her drapes, slashed her couch, given himself a new haircut, and worse yet dulled her fabric shears. PG-13 (disturbing slasher scenes, violent needle and thread action)


    The Blue Kid Group- A mom fearlessly defends her belongings against a traveling group of preschoolers who ave dyed their hands and arms blue with food coloring and are leaving destruction and blue handprints in their wake. PG (gratuitous use of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers and Clorox Bleach)

    Both of which are based on real life events!

  3. girlsmama
    October 29, 2008 | 10:40 am

    Never After – What was supposed to be family bliss after the birth of her new baby, really turns into nights of never sleeping, days of never eating, never-ending bum changes, and never being free of her little one’s demands. PG-13 (some language, some nudity, a lot of sighs.)

  4. Tonggu Momma
    October 29, 2008 | 1:06 pm

    Terrifying Tales From the Toilet – After a blissfully long shower, a young mother’s day takes a terrifying turn when she learns, first-hand, the meaning of toilet fishing… Who knows WHAT is down there?!!?! Plastic sharks? Excessive rolls of toilet paper? Scuba Barbie? PG-13 (excessive language and nudity)

  5. Carolyn
    October 29, 2008 | 1:12 pm

    Tales from the Bottom of the Crib…I remember Bill Cosby talking about when he was a baby and that there were monsters under the crib and he was funny telling about not being able to go to the bathroom.LOL He’d talk to the monsters and say he’d have to go and just nibble don’t bite. I remember that to this day and still smile. 😉 Thanks. Hope to win this for my friend who is pregnant.

  6. Beck
    October 29, 2008 | 2:14 pm

    FETAL ATTRACTION – hahahahaahahaha.

    Crapnaphobia – It’s time to change a messy diaper and mom already has her hands full – what will the poop-phobic dad DO?

    The Thingy – Your toddler son has discovered that there is something interesting in his diaper. Do you dare take him grocery shopping?

  7. Minnesotamom
    October 29, 2008 | 5:53 pm

    Dawn of the Dead – A bewitching tale of a couple who faces hour after hour of howling, tears and swollen gums. As the sun rises on their sleepless night, they realize they are re-living this tale again and again and fall into despair trying to escape the horror. PG-13 (for strong language)

  8. Miche
    October 29, 2008 | 7:13 pm

    Creatures from the Guest Room-new parents are horrified to learn that BOTH sets of in laws have decided to retire and stay in the guest room. Permanently. And give lots of conflicting advice and how to pointers. Constantly. Oh the horror!!Rated PG-13 for language used by new parents when (and if) they ever get to be alone.

  9. Rachel
    October 29, 2008 | 8:21 pm

    Great idea! I can’t wait to make my husband read them!

    The TellTale Scream – An eery and unending scream is coming through the brick wall. . .every time they start to drift off to sleep, they hear it again. Scream. Scream. Scream.

  10. Janine
    October 29, 2008 | 10:36 pm

    Friday the 13th: Janine, the mother of twin babies, wearily changes the 13th diaper of the day. The Diaper Genie is full…Will relief come, or will the evil poo take over the house?
    Rated R (Repeated nudity, profanity and near hopeless situations. Not recommended for children under the age of 99…)

  11. Angela M.
    October 29, 2008 | 11:54 pm

    What creative ideas you’ve all shared already! I never watch horror flicks — and I’m a first time mom-to-be, so I don’t really know what I’m getting into. Still, I’ll give it a “stab”…

    Nightmare on Baby Aisle: Parents-to-be visit the baby store to register. After countless revelations of their own ignorance, sheer exhaustion sets in. Will they make it out alive…? Rated R (Violence towards the store inventory scanner)

    Thanks for the fun post & giveaway!

  12. Suzie G
    October 30, 2008 | 1:14 am

    The Drain- It lives in the bathtub drain. At least, that’s what little Timmy says. His parents think he has an overactive imagination, but he swears he’s heard it and it wants to pull him in. Is there a supernatural, child sucking force within the drain waiting to suck him in? He’s not going to take any chances and vows never to bathe again.

  13. Amy
    October 30, 2008 | 6:51 am

    Pennsylvania Apple Juice Massacre – Mom leaves Dad in charge of their sweet 2-year-old son for the a few hours. After the full cup of straight apple juice Dad gives sweet son, will they ever recover from the monster poop explosion that painted the nursery while he napped? (Rated R for nudity, swear words, and extensive vomitting).

  14. leah
    October 30, 2008 | 8:52 am

    these are hysterical!

    October 30, 2008 | 8:56 am

    trapped at booger island- cannot get off the island they are stuck in a pile of snot and when they think there is a way out there is a waterfall of vomit and exploding poops that go off if stepped on

  16. Bebemiqui
    October 30, 2008 | 3:31 pm

    Signs (that you’re losing!)
    One mom, a large farm house…and four children.
    She hears the screams from the corn field and knows they’re at it again.
    She can only hope they don’t get in the house…and mess up her clean floor!

  17. Eric
    October 31, 2008 | 3:02 pm

    Mr. Fussy Pants Coming After You

    That’s right it’s that time of the day when mr. fussy pants starts to cry a little, is hungry, and needs a nap all at once. What and how does the parent handle mr. fussy pants coming your way!

  18. LaVonne
    October 31, 2008 | 8:41 pm

    Jaws – The Return: a baby who bites everything even while breast feeding! Oh no….

  19. Rory Urquiza
    August 30, 2011 | 8:54 pm

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  20. Brazil Butt Lift
    April 6, 2012 | 12:01 pm

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